I overthink completely everything… also, I don’t handle change well…. so these things I am dealing with, these major life choices I need to start making, are extremely difficult.
So this decision I have made to return to the states after I complete my masters is something that I am really struggling with at the moment. I’m not ready to leave Spain yet, but at the same time I kind of am … well simply the fact is just that it’s super complicated.
I just feel somewhat lost, that there’s so many thing that I haven’t done here in Spain, here in Europe that I should’ve done. That I still want to do. That I still need to do. I feel this sense of panic, and almost a feeling of regret that I haven’t properly optimized my time here, I could have traveled more, I should have traveled more… but really all that is, is me overthinking everything. The reality is, every moment I have been here I have been so happy, and while in the moment I panic looking back on what I actually have done here so far, I wouldn’t change a thing.
It’s all relative, and while I know that, sometimes it’s hard to keep things in perspective.
Change is inevitable, it is something that I must face… but for me it’s hard. I constantly go back and forth between denial that I am actually leaving this place that I have come to call home, and panic at the idea of leaving.
Now you may think, well if I’m having so much trouble leaving…why don’t I stay here? The thing is, while that seems like a relatively simple solution it really is not that simple. There’s a bunch of factors that are telling me it’s time to go back. While it may not be the thing that I want to do in this moment, I am sure that it is the thing that I have to do, the next step I should be taking in my life.
There are so many factors driving me home… things such as, come July I will have completed a Masters degree (in International Business) so maybe now it is finally time for me to stop hiding from starting a career and now just actually do it. Also, visas are complicated, living abroad (legally) is something that gets super complicated (especially as I want a job in the Business world)… the process to get a working visa to live in another Country is so complex, and honestly almost impossible (***but if anyone has any tips or stories of how they found a way I would love to hear***). Also as much as I love living here, after 2 years, I really do miss home. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I just miss America. There’s also tons of small factors driving me home, but really I just think it’s time.
I’m trying to take the responsible decision, go home and start my career, but then there’s a part of me that fears that if I leave this world, full of wanderlust, travel and adventure that there might be no coming back to it. While I 100% know that is not the case at all… it is hard to remember that. It is hard to accept the fact that I might be saying goodbye to the life I live here. But I have to remember that it doesn’t have to be goodbye, it can be more of a see you late.
Change is scary, but the only way for something to happen, is through change…. so here we go… who knows what will happen next.. .
The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new – Socrates
the Confessions of a Wanderer 
Great write! you’ve been in Spain for almost 2 years and that’s already a lot of time to enjoy their cultures and traditions. Maybe it’s the right time you get back from where you came from. I believe that there’s always no place like home. Maybe you’re scared because of the people you’ll get back with. But that’s life. We have to deal with it and we have to overcome all of our discomforts. If we just keep on dodging the bottlenecks, jumping over the road blocks, one day they will form mazes and the worst thing is we get trapped into it. So we have to break through. Enjoy life as it is. 🙂
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Thank you for your kind words… There really is no place like home. I know in my heart it’s the time, but sometimes getting your mind there gets a little difficult.
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I know how you feel: been there (and more than once lol :)). On thinking you should have done things différently: sure, in retrospect you always know what you should have done and see how you could have oprimized! But life doesn’t work this way, there are no drafts and to revision, you just do the best you can at the moment, listen to your instincts and hope it will all work out somehow. There are always new experiences to get, new places to discover, new adventures and so on, but at some time you need to build something as well. Now, after your Masters, is probably a good time to do so. You can always come back to Europe: on a job assignment, for the example (or as a country manager :D). The job market in Europe is not exactly booming, let alone in Spain, so make the most of your US passport to jump start your career. And remember, oh wells are better than what ifs 🙂
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It’s good to know I’m not alone in these feelings, while I definitely don’t have any regrets… I just think too much (there’s always some sort of internal struggle in my mind)… but yes I need to keep going keep exploring… you’re right “oh wells are better than what ifs” 🙂
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Life is full of conflicts which are with us forever. As human beings we construct our reality into polar opposites; stay or go, black or white, head or heart, hot or cold. But our personal reality lies in the middle, like shades of grey! When you left home it was easier, an adventure, the magnet pulled you in one direction. But now you have two homes, two magnets pulling you. This is life, and life isn’t always a beach! So, take your decision and make the most of it, don’t look back. But remember, most things ARE reversible.
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Sometimes it doesn’t matter how ready you are to leave a place, it can still be a roller coaster of emotions and uncertainty, which is hard when weighing up your next move. Change isn’t easy but change is good, it brings new beginnings, even going home is a new experience, it will different because you will have grown from your experiences adventures .
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I definitely agree with what you said… now returning home I am not the same person that I was when I left, so it will be a different & new experience. Also change isn’t bad, it shouldn’t be scary… especially since this life change that i took 2 years ago is the whole reason I’m in spain to begin with.. so lets see what the next change holds xx
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