I’ve started planning my move to Colombia. I am so so excited, and I really can’t wait to be there (and also to be back with my boyfriend).
But lately I’ve been wrestling with some doubts, fears and concerns. I know its ok, in fact its normal to be worried about this move. But I’m also sitting on these fears, they’re feelings I’m not quite sure I feel comfortable sharing with the people in my life, or even admitting them to myself. While they do support me in my decision to move to Colombia, I worry that by sharing these concerns in turn they will in fact say or think something along the lines of, well then if you don’t feel comfortable why or you going. Or feeling some level of judgement of me for going although I have these doubts. Also I feel (in the tiny crazy back part of my mind) that if I actually admit these doubts out loud that makes them real…. and I don’t want them to real. I don’t really want to have any doubts, but I do..
The decision to move to Colombia was by no means an easy one, or a decision made lightly, but it was a decision that I made. I know in my heart that it is the right thing for me to be doing, I am certain that this is the step that I should be taking right now.
And as certain that I am… I’m frightened. I’m afraid. I’m uncertain. But most importantly above all I’m hopeful.
I know it’s a great opportunity, I’ll learn a lot, I’ll grow a lot as a person, I’ll be able to better my relationship. The reality is, the majority of the reason I’m doing this is that this is the only way to really make this relationship work. This is the only way to give my relationship a chance to survive (and boy do I want this to work). It’s an actual way to give it a shot and not live with that regret of “what if” for the rest of my life.
However, the thing is I am afraid of the unknown, I am afraid of the uncertainty that awaits me. It is a country I’ve never visited. And I really don’t know what to expect. I can do the research, I can read people’s blog posts, I can watch videos, I can think it over for hours…(which I have been doing)… but the reality is I will not know until I am there. I will not know until I step off that plane and see what kind of life is awaiting me there.
One of the things that frightens me the most is that I’m worried I wont love it the way that I loved Barcelona. My experiences in Barcelona were perfect, well maybe not perfect… many ups, downs and in-betweens… but they were great. It was a great experience living abroad, and I feel that I was almost spoiled by that experience. I’m worried that Colombia won’t be everything I expect it to be, I’m worried that I will be constantly comparing it to Barcelona. And while I keep trying to tell myself that these two experiences are completely different, and I need to keep them separate… I’m just struggling with it.
But I know that this time, as I embark on my next adventure living abroad, I am a completely different person. I have changed and grown in insurmountable ways. The girl I was and the girl I am now are entirely different people. And that by no means is a bad thing, in fact for me it was the best thing that could have happened.