I am back in America. Being home is amazing… But (and there’s always a but) it’s leaving me feeling so conflicted and with a zillion different questions rolling through my head.
When I was in Barcelona I could not imagine any sort of life for myself back here in America… but now that I’m here I could not imagine living anywhere but here. I don’t know what to believe, what to feel. My mind is a swirling mess. I know I was so happy there.. and I am so excited to go back.
While I was there I was certain that I would be spending more than just one year there. (which I am since I am going back… but I thought beyond that I would be there). Now I’m wondering if I will feel some sort of pull to return here and “start” some sort of life. I really and truly don’t know what I want from my future, where I want to be, where I’ll be happy and where I will one day call my permanent home.
It’s weird, growing up I always had one future imagined for myself.. living in Manhattan and having a career … but then that changed and I could not imagine that sort of “typical” life, I needed to get out and travel the world and see everything it had to offer. I had t get out I felt too stuck staying here . And then I lived in Spain for a year, and I just felt so so so right. I knew, well I thought that I knew that my future was there. But now I just don’t know.
I’m wondering what is motivating these thoughts and feelings. Could it be the freshness of being able to basically start over new somewhere. Or the familiarity of home, somewhere I feel truly comfortable and settled. Only time will tell what truly feels right for me.