… when a dream becomes a reality it’s an amazing thing… right?
at least it should be ….
Right now something I’ve been dreaming of (for seemingly my whole life…. well, at least as long as I can remember) has a real strong possibility of becoming reality and honestly, I’m not sure if it’s really what I want anymore.
It’s hard to admit, and I’m not sure if it’s true or not… but honestly it feels quite suffocating, also extremely confusing.
When I was young I simply dreamed about living in New York City when I “grew up”, it was everything I wanted. I could picture myself so vividly living there. What my life would be like, how happy I would be. I pictured my daily life, I didn’t know what career path I would choose, what would be happening in my personal life, but the one thing that I was always sure of in my daydreams about my “adult” life was the fact that I would be living in NYC.
Now as I’m preparing my return to the states I’m thinking about what comes next, where I will go next…. the most logical/ the best option seems to be living in NYC (especially as it is basically right where I already live with my mom). And while it excites me, and seems as if it could be a great place to live…. there is just something holding me back. Really, I can not understand why. This place is home to me, I spent 3 summers working in New York City, countless days, hours, huge portions of my life wandering the city. I know it like the back of my hand. I know my favorite restaurants, my favorite bars, my favorite places to hang out.
So I simply can not understand what it is that’s holding me back…
Is it the familiarity of it…am I craving more adventure? Or am I just scared to take this next step in my life, scared of the idea of possibly “settling down” ….. not quite ready yet… I’m not sure what is the cause of this hesistation.
5 years ago, hell even 2 years ago if you asked me what my future plans were… 100% “I’m going to live in New York” would have been included in that answer… and now it’s more of “Well maybe I want to live in New York” there’s a slight hesitation. I don’t know if this experience of living abroad has changed me (well I mean I know it has, but here I’m just simply referring to this topic)… or maybe it’s associated with the fact that New York is home, and living in NYC would mean living 30 minutes away from home, and not 8 hours by plane (as I do now)
Who knows what is right and what is wrong.. it’s something I have to process and think about, this next step is not an easy decision, but it’s one that I have to make…soon…