I overthink completely everything… also, I don’t handle change well…. so these things I am dealing with, these major life choices I need to start making, are extremely difficult.
So this decision I have made to return to the states after I complete my masters is something that I am really struggling with at the moment. I’m not ready to leave Spain yet, but at the same time I kind of am … well simply the fact is just that it’s super complicated.
I just feel somewhat lost, that there’s so many thing that I haven’t done here in Spain, here in Europe that I should’ve done. That I still want to do. That I still need to do. I feel this sense of panic, and almost a feeling of regret that I haven’t properly optimized my time here, I could have traveled more, I should have traveled more… but really all that is, is me overthinking everything. The reality is, every moment I have been here I have been so happy, and while in the moment I panic looking back on what I actually have done here so far, I wouldn’t change a thing.
It’s all relative, and while I know that, sometimes it’s hard to keep things in perspective.
Change is inevitable, it is something that I must face… but for me it’s hard. I constantly go back and forth between denial that I am actually leaving this place that I have come to call home, and panic at the idea of leaving.
Now you may think, well if I’m having so much trouble leaving…why don’t I stay here? The thing is, while that seems like a relatively simple solution it really is not that simple. There’s a bunch of factors that are telling me it’s time to go back. While it may not be the thing that I want to do in this moment, I am sure that it is the thing that I have to do, the next step I should be taking in my life.
There are so many factors driving me home… things such as, come July I will have completed a Masters degree (in International Business) so maybe now it is finally time for me to stop hiding from starting a career and now just actually do it. Also, visas are complicated, living abroad (legally) is something that gets super complicated (especially as I want a job in the Business world)… the process to get a working visa to live in another Country is so complex, and honestly almost impossible (***but if anyone has any tips or stories of how they found a way I would love to hear***). Also as much as I love living here, after 2 years, I really do miss home. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I just miss America. There’s also tons of small factors driving me home, but really I just think it’s time.
I’m trying to take the responsible decision, go home and start my career, but then there’s a part of me that fears that if I leave this world, full of wanderlust, travel and adventure that there might be no coming back to it. While I 100% know that is not the case at all… it is hard to remember that. It is hard to accept the fact that I might be saying goodbye to the life I live here. But I have to remember that it doesn’t have to be goodbye, it can be more of a see you late.
Change is scary, but the only way for something to happen, is through change…. so here we go… who knows what will happen next.. .
The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new – Socrates