the future freaks me out

I have no clue what I’m doing, I have no clue where I’m going.

While I know that I don’t need to have a definite 10 year life plan at the moment, I need to have some sort of clue, at least some semblance of an idea. I need to make some sort of plan. I think I need some sort of direction for my life. But every time I try and think about the future I get this sense of impending doom, and I just find myself hiding from dealing with it. Focusing on other things, feeling a crushing wave of anxiety at the second the idea of the future is mentioned. (not to mention the fact that it seems like at least 2x a day someone asks me about my plan….)

Currently I am doing a masters that ends in July, and after that I have absolutely 0 plan. So as of July 31st all that is, is nothingness. And that freaks me out. The options are endless, but also the options are endless…

When I moved to Spain, I never thought about returning to the states, about leaving this wonderful place that has truly become home to me. I arrived here August 2014 and had no clue, no idea about the future. Simply I was just living in the moment, I was enjoying my time here and just having so much fun. And then here I am almost 2 years later, and now it’s time that I start to think about the idea of returning. The curiosity of what is awaiting me excites me so much, but also terrifies me.

view of barcelona from the mountains 

I don’t want to leave Europe, the life I live here is amazing, so much adventure, so many incredible experiences. However, I’m starting to get a little restless. Feeling as there’s a next chapter in my life to be started. I always new my return to the states was inevitable, I never planned on staying here forever.

Life is very uncertain, but one of life’s certainties is changed, so now that I am encountering a period of change why am I so shocked. Something has to end in order for something new, and possibly even better to begin. This something that is true and constant in all of life so why am I so hesitant to face it now?

As much as I love being here, a part of me knows it’s time to take the next step in my life…. whatever that may be.

The future freaks me out. In a good way and a bad way. Who knows exactly what comes next, but I know that after this experience I am ready for whatever the future holds. I also know that return to America does not necessarily mean my time abroad is finished.

The most important thing is that now I need to live in the moment. Enjoy every second I spend here in Barcelona, seek every adventure I possibly can, live in the moment, and just be happy. The future may be uncertain, but I have to focus on the now.

Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make NOW the primary focus of your life. – The Power of Now